And Still I Grieve
by Six and Seven Eighths
Summary: Raynor contemplates the events that have molded his life, and his silent pain. Posted in response to Waygate01's plagiarism.


This story was originally posted Saturday, December 9th, 2000, to the Infoceptor fanfic archives. Unfortunately, it was plagiarized and recently posted here without my consent, nor with any credit given to me. And since I'm not the kind that takes lightly to being ripped off, I figured I'd post it for myself while the Fanfiction.net administrators deal with Waygate. Enjoy.  
  
**And Still I Grieve**  
  
My life passed me like a blur. My childhood on Mar Sara. It was a hard life, living on a frontier world, but I savored every minute of it. I remember it all, the ranch where I grew up, my friends, my family. I remember becoming sheriff, with nothing more important on my mind then tracking down stray critters, or maybe helping out the scattered homesteaders when they needed it.  
  
I remember my first encounter with the Zerg. I saw them infest my world, and I was helpless to stop it. I remember vividly how the Protoss burned the planet where I grew up, snuffing out the last link to my past. In the long run, it really didn't matter. The Zerg still spread, overrunning world after world. It didn't matter. My home, lost to a grand game of chess in which we were the pawns.  
  
I grieve for those lost to that hellish inferno. And the worst part was that it was just another move in the game.  
  
I didn't have a purpose, anymore. I was given an opportunity for revenge against the Confederacy for leaving my world to die. All I had to do was sign up with the most dangerous man in the sector. Sign on the dotted line, don't mind the fine print.  
  
I'd been wary of Mengsk from the beginning. I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that he had bigger plans then merely toppling the Confederacy. He only intended to replace one corrupt dictatorship with another. But then again, he helped me find meaning in my life, in the form of a beautiful assassin.  
  
_Sarah._  
  
Even now, I remember how we first met. It's probably the clearest memory I have of her. I'd been thinking about how she had a nice chest, and she called me out on it. Damn telepaths. She had been so cold and professional, and yet I knew, don't ask me how, that underneath was a frightened girl. I'd heard horror stories about what the Confederacy put telepaths through, molding them into perfect killing machines.  
  
Throughout the campaign, we became close. I should have told her how I felt when I had a chance. I was so blind, I convinced myself that we would win the war, that everything would be okay, and that I would have a chance to tell her how I felt. And then we hit New Gettysburg.  
  
I still shudder when I remember those cursed platforms, oozing with creep. I never should have left her. I would have willingly given up my life for her, should have given up my life for her. Mengsk betrayed us, betrayed her, leaving her to die. And die she did. The Sarah Kerrigan I fell in love with is nothing more than a memory now, another casualty in the Battle for New Gettysburg.  
  
I was a mess. The troops still loyal to me followed as I abandoned that lunatic Mengsk and his mad quest for power. I was suicidal for a time, throwing myself into battle, uncaring about whether I lived or died. I didn't have anything worth living for.  
  
And then she was reborn, a twisted caricature of the woman I loved. She had become so consumed by her hatred, by the constant betrayal, driven mad by bloodlust, that she decided to take it out on the whole human race, the whole galaxy. I had wanted to believe that the monster before me wasn't really her, that her body was being manipulated by the Overmind.  
  
I was wrong.  
  
She'd been in control the whole time. And she'd enjoyed it. The death, the destruction, the senseless slaughter. And she had enjoyed it. I feel a tear trickle down my cheek. I haven't cried in years; but now, I grieve for the lost soul who may never find redemption. And I pray for forgiveness for what I have to do.  
  
I can see her, now, as I stand on a rocky outcropping over a hive cluster. She watches with amusement as zerglings and hydralisks feed on terrified prisoners; women and children, most of the men having died in their defense. The few with psionic potential are dragged off to be infested.  
  
Why am I even here, I wonder. Is it because a part of me still loves her? Maybe because I seek revenge for fallen friends and comrades? Or is it because even now, I'm under her control, my mind held hostage? Most likely it's all three.  
  
I check the cartridge in my rifle, making sure that the mechanisms won't jam. I promised myself that I would kill her if it's the last thing I do. To end the nightmare.  
  
There are times when I hear her, calling to me in my dreams. Almost like a siren's song, so beautiful, so intoxicating. Then again, the sirens lured men to their deaths. Am I being lured to my death?  
  
I lie on the ground, rifle propped on its bi-pod in front of me. I press my eye to the scope, zooming in on my target. My finger tightens on the trigger.  
  
She looks directly at me, a sad expression on her face, almost wistful. I know she can't see me, not with the stealth suit I'm wearing, but I wonder if she could feel my thoughts. Could she sense how I still loved her, how I prayed for her every night? How I wish that things could be like they were before. We could be together. No Zerg, no Terran Dominion, no UED. I want so much to be able to spend my life with her.  
  
But I left her to die. I could have... no, I should have gone back, even if it cost me my life. At least then I would have died trying to save her. But that's in the past, and no matter how hard I wish it, I can't change the past.  
  
I feel my resolve start to weaken. I can't kill her, even if it was to save the entire sector. Hell, it is to save the entire sector. Wouldn't killing her for vengeance be against everything I was raised to believe? Stooping to her level?  
  
And as crazy as it sounds, even after all that's happened, I still love her.  
  
She looks away, her attention drawn back to her minions. I sigh and turn away. I would continue to hope and pray. I let one thought drift to the surface of my mind, wanting more then anything for her to hear it.  
  
_I still love you, Sarah._  
  
I never wanted to be a leader. Never wanted to be a hero. Never wanted to make those kinds of sacrifices. Why is it that fate felt it necessary to take away everything that ever meant a damn to me?  
  
I walk away. People need me, now, whether I like it or not. I have a duty to them, to protect against the Zerg onslaught and the atrocities of the Terran Dominion. I am Jim Raynor, wanted in five star systems, the most dangerous man in this sector of the galaxy, leader of the infamous Raynor's Raiders. I have an army of loyal men and women with nothing left to lose, just as I have nothing left to lose, ready to lay down their lives in pursuit of victory, in pursuit of freedom. I am a force to be feared, and rightly so.  
  
But still... I grieve.  
  
_Every single day  
Every word you say  
Every game you play  
Every night you stay  
I'll be watching you.  
  
Every Breath You Take - The Police_


End file.
